The Secret Life of Legolas
by LittleMagenta
Summary: -ONE-SHOT- Everyone's about to find out what Legolas does in his spare time.


**A/N: Fast-paced, short…_weird_ story.**

**The Secret Life of Legolas**

"Dammit Arwen, I told you I'm not coming with you to some male strip club. And I'm not so sure I want _you_ going, either."

Aragorn's wife stared back at him innocently. "Aragorn…you know it wasn't my idea. Some of the other elves want to go very badly, but they won't go without me, and _I_ don't want to go without _you_."

Aragorn paced around his quarters, scratching the top of his head as he tried to make a decision. "I just don't know, Arwen…"

But of course, resistance was futile. Within minutes, Arwen's puppy-dog eyes and pouted lips caused him to give in, and they were on their way.

The _"male strip club"_ was a new sort of thing. There weren't many in Middle Earth. This was probably why Arwen's friends had so desperately wanted to go. Curiosity had taken hold of them. Besides, they couldn't wait to see – what kind of man would be so shameless as to dance around and disrobe in front of an audience?

It was but a fifteen-minute horseback ride to the large building. Once they entered and were seated, they almost nervously surveyed the area. They were seated very close to the stage, and there was music that seemed to come from the walls. It also made Aragorn feel oddly aroused.

"So, uh…interesting place," he choked out.

"Shh, Aragorn…the show's starting."

The lights dimmed. The music changed. A bright spotlight shone on the stage, in front of a curtain – and then the curtains parted.

It was a man that stepped out, dressed in very tight, sequined clothes. Aragorn and the elves watched in fascination and horror as the man began to sway his hips, tugging off his shirt and swinging it around. This went on for quite a few minutes, until the man took a deep bow and retreated behind the curtain.

It was impossible to tell whether the next performer was man or elf, for his ears were fully covered by a large, curly blonde wig. If Aragorn had ever run into him on the street, he most likely would have taken the drag-queen as a real woman. His nails were long and painted bright red. His cheeks were pink with blush, and his lips were just as red as his nails. It was a wonder the performer could walk in the foot-tall high-heeled platforms he was wearing.

The music playing now was faster then previously. The dancer began to dance jerkily, playing with the frilly boa draped around his neck. This dancer was much more flamboyant than the last. Neither Aragorn nor the elves had ever seen anything like it.

Then the dancer met Aragorn's eyes with his own. He continued dancing, keeping hold of Aragorn's gaze. And all of a sudden and out of no where, he stopped.

"Shit!"

The audience whispered loudly as the dancer frantically ran offstage. Aragorn and Arwen sat in their seats quietly, and then turned to each other, their mouths open.

* * *

"Dammit, dammit, dammit!" Legolas Greenleaf furiously scrubbed away at his stage makeup. What were Aragorn, Arwen, and an assortment of his friends doing there? What interest could _they_ have in such a place? They hadn't been put in frilly pink dresses when they were young, had they? Well, for Arwen and the female elves, that didn't really matter…

Had they realized it was him? Oh, he would never be able to live it down!

"Er…Legolas?"

Legolas lowered his head, shielding it from who the familiar voice belonged to. "I don't know who this Legolas is."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes!"

"Because you know, if you _had_ been him, I would have supported your lifestyle. Legolas is a very good friend to me."

"And me, too," a female voice cut in.

"Besides, I always had a feeling about him."

"What!" Legolas shrieked, rising to his feet and whirling around to face Aragorn. "How did I give it away!"

"Well, there was that one time we were camping out in the woods and you started caressing me in your sleep."

Legolas looked absolutely horrified. "I did that?"

"Yeah…and then I read your diary a little while ago."

"You read my diary!" Legolas screamed.

Arwen slapped her husband sharply on the wrist. "Aragorn, you should be ashamed of yourself! Breaking into his private things like that…why, I bet he feels more embarrassed now than when he woke up from having that wet dream about Haldir."

"_You've_ been reading my diary, too!"

"Uhh…no…"

"Aargh!" Legolas slammed his fist down on his dressing room table. "I don't believe you!"

Aragorn sighed and put a comforting arm around the shoulders of his friend. "Listen, Legolas…it's all right. I'm your friend, and I support you no matter how odd and devious your lifestyle is. And so does Arwen."

Arwen made a face.

"_Right_, Arwen?"

"Oh yes, of course!" she said, clasping her hands together. "Exactly what Aragorn said."

Legolas calmed down a little, absentmindedly filing his fingernails. "So," he said, "what happens now?"

"Well, we can't keep it from the others."

"You aren't suggesting…"

"Why not, Legolas? They're your friends as well. It not fair of you to keep it from them."

Legolas sobbed a little. "But Aragorn, I don't know how to tell them. I can't do it. Will you?"

"It's not my place to do that," Aragorn said. "It wouldn't be right. No…I have a better idea."

"What…please tell me."

Aragorn grinned. "You'll see."

* * *

"Dammit Aragorn, I don't want to go to some male strip club!" Gimli, fuming, motioned to himself and the four hobbits that were scattered about. "What do you think we are, queer?"

The hobbits stayed silent.

Aragorn groaned loudly. This was _not_ going well. Obviously he couldn't tell his friends _why_ he wanted to take them to such a place. And it was an extremely odd proposal. He hadn't seen Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin, or Gimli in quite a long time. And now here he was, inviting them all to visit his castle, just to he could ask them to go to a strip club with him.

"Look, I just want you to see what it's like, okay?" Arwen and I went the other day and it was…well, it was interesting."

"I don't care!" Gimli said, furious. "Now, let's take a vote! Anyone who _doesn't_ want to go to some club where man dance around and take off their clothes, say aye! AYE!" Gimli raised his hand into the air passionately, and then realized he was alone in doing so. He lowered his hand, grumbling.

The hobbits remained silent.

"All right!" Aragorn said, faking his best smile. "We're on our way then. Come now, hurry up, the show starts soon."

The group took three horses. Aragorn and Pippin on Arwen's horse, Asfaloth, Gimli and Merry on a horse belonging to one of Arwen's friends, and Frodo and Sam on Bill the pony.

When they arrived, Gimli took his sweet-ass time getting off his horse, wanting to stall as long as possible. The hobbits hopped off the horses they were riding, trying to mask their own excitement. Odd how Aragorn had guessed about Legolas, but not the Halflings, even though they were so blatantly obvious.

Aragorn led his group to the front of the stage, seating the hobbits on top of the table so they could see better. Gimli looked about to die. His face almost shone beet red, and he repeatedly wiped at his brow with his sleeve.

The music started ten minutes after they sat down, while the hobbits were sipping on pints of ale they had just received from the waitresses. The curtain parted. Aragorn almost didn't recognize his friend this time, as he was wearing a completely different outfit. Tonight his wig was a large, red afro. His outfit consisted of a very tight corset, a garter belt, and black fishnet tights. The only things Aragorn recognized were the large, high-heeled platforms and the frilly boa.

Legolas began to strut his stuff to the music, swinging his boa around provocatively. But this time he did something Aragorn did not expect – he sang.

_"I'm a…slaaave for you! I cannot hold it, I cannot control it…"_

Aragorn his hid face so that the others wouldn't see him in hysterics, snorting and laughing. He took this time to survey the expressions on his friend's faces. Gimli looked absolutely horrified. Merry and Pippin were twitching in their seats. If Aragorn hadn't known better, or so he thought, he would have thought the two were trying to suppress smiles. Sam's face had absolutely no expression. He just sat in his seat, gazing at the dancer intently. Frodo's face, however…what the hell was wrong with him? He looked like he was about to have a seizure.

Then Aragorn noticed where Sam's left hand was.

_"Whoops, looking away now…"_

By the end of the number, it was clear that neither the dwarf nor the hobbits had realized who the glamorous drag-queen was. Aragorn had been hoping they would figure it out for themselves. No such luck. It was time for plan B.

"Wow, good show that was, huh?" he said, standing up and clapping for the performer as he exited the stage. "I think we should go back and congratulate him on a job well done."

Gimli shuddered. "I don't wanna go back there!"

"Come on, now!" Aragorn slapped the dwarf on the back. "What can it hurt?" Without another word, Aragorn proceeded to roughly pull the Gimli out of the main audience area and into the back hallways. The hobbits did not resist at all. In fact, they even seemed a little eager.

Dramatically, Aragorn pushed open the door to the dressing room. "Here's our star!"

Still not recognizing the elf, Merry approached the drag-queen and shook his hand. "I think you did a wonderful job."

Legolas blushed and removed his wig.

"Oh…my…"

"GREENLEAF?" Gimli shrieked in surprise. "I don't believe it!"

Legolas twisted the curls of his wig nervously, frightened by his friend's reaction.

"Listen, guys…I just feel so at home on that stage, okay? I don't know what else to say."

Frodo turned to Aragorn, wide-eyed. "Aragorn…did you know?"

"Yes, I knew," Aragorn said, sighing. "But I didn't think it would be _right_ if I told you myself."

Legolas looked more nervous than he ever had in his whole life. He rose to his feet, still fiddling with the wig. "So…do you guys hate me?"

"Of course not!" Merry and Pippin exclaimed together. Frodo shook his head, smiling, as Sam went to give Legolas a pat on the back. Gimli, however, hesitated.

Legolas' eyes were now tear-stained. "Gimli?"

Gimli stalled, making noises as if he were trying to choke out actual words, and then threw his hands into the air. "Of course I do, you stupid elf!" Smiling, Gimli ran to give his glowing friend a hug. Aragorn joined in, followed by the hobbits. They engaged in a wonderful group hug, and there was much rejoicing.

A month later, Frodo Baggins, Sam Gamgee, Meriadoc Brandybuck, and Peregrin Took opened a male strip club for hobbits.


End file.
